just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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