no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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