Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
