and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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