she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
