dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize