Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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