If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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