Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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