so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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