what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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