You're my little dorito
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
