somebody snuck up and got me drunk
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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