I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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