I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
