does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
