Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
