You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize