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I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
