the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
