drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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