How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
