Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
