just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Congratulations! We have a period
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