she woke up with a sticky ear
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I stole a fireplace last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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