Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
