five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
