I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
