I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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