I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
