I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
