Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
