Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
