There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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