why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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