sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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