Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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