according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize