The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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