In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
