It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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