I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
