I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
