the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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