I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
