Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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