I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
