she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I did not marry a roomba.
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