do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
