We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
