My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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