Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
