Did I show you my penis last night?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
