Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
