If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
