Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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