You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
