Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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