Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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