No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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