I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
