I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
